I was having one of those soul-baring strolls around the neighborhood with a dear friend the other day, when she said something to me that literally made me stop in my tracks, and left me with my mouth hanging open, cartoon character style. In response to a particular compromise I was making in my life, she said, “Carrie: ‘good enough’ is not good enough.” Stopped. In. My. Tracks.

As a Life Coach, I have a lot of conversations with a lot of folks who recognize they are settling for mediocrity in their dreams, goals, actions, and standards. They’ve decided that whatever it is they actually want for their lives is unattainable, or that they don’t deserve to have what their heart truly desires. It’s heart-breaking. And to see it mirrored back to me in my own life really threw me for a loop.

I notice the habit of compromising our heart’s desires within the context of intimate relationships, especially. I’ve seen it in my friends and clients, as well as in my own relationships over the years. We tend to sacrifice some of our essential values in favor of partnerships that may be otherwise very satisfying, and, well, “good enough.”

Do you hear yourself in any of these dynamics?

We have so much fun together…but we don’t connect emotionally.

He is my most trusted friend…but I have no desire to have sex with him.

We have mind-blowing sex…but I don’t respect her core values.

We’ve built a comfortable life together…but I’m not in love with him.

She is perfect for me in almost every way…but doesn’t want children.

He loves my dearly…but isn’t interested in marrying me.

Of course, what is a relationship requirement to one person may be inconsequential to another. Your absolute musts and deal breakers are up to you to discern. And they will evolve over time. I’ve noticed that with each relationship I encounter, I experience a new opportunity to further understand and refine my needs. If you haven’t yet clarified yours, try this exercise:

Make a list of all of the absolute, no-shit-no-kidding requirements that you have for the relationship and/or partner you truly crave. Make another list of any additional qualities that would be ideal, but are not necessities. Finally, make one more list of definite deal breakers.

That human being you’re in a relationship with may be an ahhhh-mazing person with many exceptional qualities. It doesn’t mean that they are your person. So how do you know? Well… you trust your gut. You listen to your heart. You get clear on what’s most important and non-negotiable to you. And you remind yourself that “good enough” doesn’t have to be good enough.

Please reach out if I can support you. Sending you deep breaths, massive self-trust, and a tranquil heart.